Scoob News

Good evening, I'm Anthony J. Scoobington, with WSCB TV.



Mexico City prosecutors said Monday that they arrested two men in connection with the death of Malcolm Shabazz, who was the grandson of political activist Malcolm X. The 28-year-old Shabazz died of blunt force trauma injuries last Thursday. A companion said the dispute involved a bar tab of $1,200. A patron at the bar who spoke on the condition of anonymity told our Mexican affiliate WSCB-GWLA-TV that they heard someone scream out, "Get yo hand out of my pocket!!," before the incident occurred.


Almost three weeks have passed since the garment-factory in Savar, Bangladesh collapsed. The 19 day search for the dead ended on Monday as the last body was found Sunday night bringing the death toll to 1,127. On Monday, the government said it will begin allowing workers to form trade unions without permission from factory owners. Those who said they were mentally scarred by the incident have considered getting into the help desk/customer service field because they believe that they have great "phone voices."


President Barack Obama has done his best to knock down a pair of scandal laced stories Monday, by denouncing that the IRS targeting conservative political groups was "outrageous." The president rebuked the IRS for scrutinizing the tax-exempt status of groups with conservative titles such as "Tea Party" or "Patriot' in their names. As he left the podium the president was overheard saying, "Man this is some bullshit. Fuck the other groups, my bitch Lauryn Hill was about to drop an album!!  The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is my shit!!!"



From the folks at WSCB have a great evening and stay hydrated.

A Few Things

I'm here, you're here so let's do what we came to do. Well you read & enjoy because since I wrote it I know what all it entails. So you sit and enjoy!!!! Catch up with y'all later.



There was a phone book sitting outside the crib the other day when I got home. If I wasn't 31 I don't think I would of known what it was. Saw teenagers walking past it like it was a pile of orange dog shit. Had the "what theeee fuck" face mixed with the long division face. **GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR** Quickly divide 639186 by 9654 in your head!! See the face you made? That's how they looked. Think I heard one of 'em said they took a pic and were going to put it on Instagram to see if anyone could guess what it was. I was hesitant to pick it up and take it inside. Thought it was some Candid Camera shit. Yes, I said Candid Camera and not Punk'd. Whoa, I caught myself. Almost let the ADHDNESSNESS get me. I karate chopped it right between the "D" & "NESS." SOOOOOOOYYYYYYY!!!! I digress. Just don't see the need for a phone book anymore, unless you need to prop a door open or have a fucked up table leg. If you have a table leg that's fucked up the size of a phone book then I'm gonna just say you might need to invest in a new table. The moral of the story is to stop buying your shit from Ikea. 


There could of been some seguenessness but I would of had to reach and stretch somewhere up there for that shit. So, that won't be happening ladies, gents and goldfish named "Sammy." Jesus....fish....bless. Got it. When someone says, "Bless. You!," after they've been called a "bitch" or some sort derogatory slanderish evil nasty bad name. Its like Kryptonite to ignorant people on some real shit. They're on hold like, "Yea!! I'm gonna tell her ass!! Fuck with me & myyyyyy cable bill and I let you have it!! *-Hello, thank you for calling WEFKU Cable TV. How may I assist you today? --Yea, y'all been charging me for HBO for the last 3 months and I don't even have that shit!! -Well sir, I've pulled up your account and I see that you've --Fuck that shit!! You better credit my account or cut that check!! -Well sir, I can put you in touch with my supervisor and they'll --No bitch!! You're gonna -Have a nice day sir. --Bitch!! -BLESS YOU, BLESS YOU SIR!! He's sitting there like "Wh-wh-why would she said that?? I went to church last Easter!!" His day is shot now because he wasn't ready. But, sadly its the ladies who normally get called the derogatory slanderish evil nasty bad name. If a guy had it happen to him he might be compelled to say, "no homo" afterw--**THUNDER ROLL**..€€€¥¥¥££££..**LIGHTNING CRASHES** It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Wayman Archibald IV!! "Heeeeey there boy!!" 

**RAN|NAR--DOM|MOD--NESS|SSEN**: I hate catching myself being surprised when I find out certain shit still gets made. Its mainly cereals though. You know how you forget shit exists the instant you don't see a commercial for the shit?? I was at my boy's house a few weeks back and he had some Cookie Crisp cereal. I thought the cop finally caught the crook and that was it. Nigga went to jail and the company said fuck it. COOOOOOKKIIIIIE CRIIIIIISP has now turned into DOOOOOON'T RAAAAAAPE ME!! Locked up for taking the cookies. Ooooh wait, you see what I just did there? That was accident, but anyway yea I feel I have to walk down the cereal aisle just to see if some of my childhood shit is there. If the shit I was never able to get is still around I'm going to look at it, shake my head and walk away. I hope no one thought I said I was going to buy that shit. If someone wasn't spending their money go get it for me, why would I use my own? I'll just look at it as they knew what they were doing. Don't look at me like that. Its the RANDOM section, so don't act like you were supposed to read the algorithm for safe nuclear power or some profound shit. Shame on you!!!

A Few Things...

 Ok, sit down. Please, please take your seats. Strap in and hold on tight.


You know you were in a bad area if something happens to you maybe like uummmmm death and people shit on you after they find out where it happened. Someone could get a phone call -*TIME OUT* A "phone call" is when one person uses their phone and dials another person's phone. They then proceed to converse back & forth all without typing any words to each other. That's for the younger generation who think texts are required for everything. *TIME IN* -,and you'd be standing next to them and all you hear is them like, "Oh shit!! No yo!?! Not my nigga!! He got shot?! Where the hell was he?! Where? Oh? Damn. Well that's what his dumb ass gets for being down there. I wouldn't go there in the daytime. Dumb ass. Well aight yo, good look on the call." Now, hopefully whomever got that phone call isn't one of those double story tellers instead of just giving the details. Y'all know what a "double story teller" is though right? They normally are like, "That was Chris that just called me. He told me Keith got shot. I couldn't believe it when he told me. I asked where he was when he got shot. He told he was down _____, and after he told me I couldn't feel sorry for him. I told him I wouldn't go down there in the daytime." You're sitting there like, "Umm yea I was standing next to you. You tapped me on my arm when you were listening & looked me dead in my face the whole time." NO ADHDNESSNESS!!! Ok there was a sprinkle but nothing major!! Anyway, the moral of the story is, don't pipe chicks that live in bad neighborhoods. Daaaaaah.


Chicks with morals is an interesting subject these days. **WAIT! STOP! HALT!**: I knoooow you peeped that transition-nessness from one topic to the next.**BEGIN--SOOOOOOYYY!!** Now, chicks with moralnesses are cool, but--ok wait, wait, wait. I have to stop this one because I was doing this a few days ago and I had to stop. Now, my mind is moving a mile a minute so when I saved it and came back to it later I was like, "What theeee fuck was I about say?!" Had no clue where I was going with it. So, I'll take this time to thank the following people for inspiring me to write these. *Ahem* ______, _______, definitely can't forget ______ because without them I never would get my toenails clipped. Oh shit, I got to shoutout ______ for letting me have sex in their parents hot tub. <----spell _______="" a="" all="" and="" anyway="" because="" but="" can="" caps="" check="" condom.="" condom="" did="" didn="" down="" em="" for="" gallon="" going="" hottub="" how="" i="" in="" is="" its="" just="" know="" let="" like="" little.="" m="" many="" me="" not="" now="" of="" ok="" one="" people="" put="" puuuuurrreeee="" saw="" sex="" shoutout="" skipped="" so="" spell="" stop="" t.="" telling="" that="" the="" this="" to="" two="" was="" water="" wonder="" word="" words.="" you="">ADHDNESSNESS
.

**A-R/D-N/M-O/S-E/S-S**: The other day a friend of mine was getting on their plane. I noticed that I had told them to have a safe trip. Now I realize when people say that, they mean well, as I did, but I thought about it afterwards and I was thinking of nonsense to say back to that. Someone tells you to have a safe trip and it'll click in your mind like, "I'm flying. I'm not the fucking pilot. If I was the pilot and I was drinking or high and you said that then I'm like cool." Shit, the pilot's wife probably tells him to have a safe trip and he's like, "Biiiiitch!! I flew in Vietnam doing 3-4 missions a day and I was high off my ass on heroin. I goooot this!!! You hear me?! Naaaaam!!! I'm going from BWI to Atlanta, not Saigon biiiitch!! And yes I'm high, reaaaaal high!!!"

A Few Things...

I know y'all already think I have mental issuenesses, so I'm not going to try and prove y'all wrong. I'm a pretty decent actor but out of the 8 x 4y ÷ 6x + R(2+ -6) people on my Facebook friends list I actually know a lot of them, so they would know its a front. I bet y'all thought I was going to try and make up some random ass equation again didn't you? Well if you did, you were correct. I was going to do one, but I said "NO!," then was going to copy & paste and delete some shit, but then I said, "NO!"


Speaking of the word "NO." Do I have to mention the segueness? I guess I just did. "You like that shit? You like that shit lil bitch."<--- strong="strong">(A sample of what Wesley Pipes' script looks like.) Anyway, when we really need something, the word "NO" isn't something we want to hear. Especially when it comes to a loan, sex, money, sex or just sex. There are non verbal "NO's" that exist too. You know the head shake, but when we're in the car our non verbal "NO" is a STOP sign or a RED LIGHT. Now, since you were thinking about sex and I was talking about driving, I'll tell you about a little game I play when I'm in traffic, which happens to be M-F from 7am-8am & 5pm-6pm. I call it "Larry Legend's Loving Libido License" plate game. I actually don't call it that, but alliteration felt right at the moment. I actually don't have a name for it. I just do the shit. Now for example, if I see a car with the tag "BWP 136," which is rare these days, but it could be personalized or it could random. I'll then try and to make it as perverted as possible. "BWP 136" could possibly be BIG WET PUSSY with a possible body count of a 136. Always go for the "ness" in that game. What "ness" you ask?? The "pervertednessness."

I had segueness once already, so we shall move on. We started, stopped and we're now starting again. Kind of like people who don't like dancing in public. They're the "in the house in front of the mirror dancers." Wallflowers at dances but are Soul Train dancers at home. Its funny if you ever see 'em doing a little two step when they thought no one was around. They'll do a little spin and that's when y'all lock eyes. Now, they normally finish whatever they were doing and roll out. Most people don't say anything to them, but fuck that. I ask some questions because they might have some secret life or just could be a good dancer. "So, what was that?  Practicing your routine for later tonight? You and your friends going on ABDC?" They aren't getting off that easy with me!! Not on my watch!! Well I say that because sometimes my windshield wipers remind me of the "in the house in front of the mirror dancers." You'll be in traffic, which happens to be M-F from 7am-8am & 5pm-6pm, and they get on beat with a song, but when you start singing along or become a steering wheel drummer they turn into that "in the house in front of the mirror dancer" and just get off beat. Look out for it next time. Hit my phone when you see I'm right!!


**R|A|N|D|O|M|N|E|S|S** will not be happening in this episode since I ended up with a damn theme. I guess it was 43.7% ADHDNESSNESS, 1/8th formatted, and 2/3rd cadillac coupe deville because 3 out of 2 people struggle with fractions. Anyway, I spoke of music in the last blicky because I just wanted to ask a question while not really wanting an answer to the question because I just wanted to say what I have to say. Anyone else mug your cd player when your shit skips? You're in the car jamming, your shit skips and you look at your stereo like it owes you money. You could of been using that cd as a coaster but if your shit skips its the stereos fault. It turns into a mood change like someone stepped on your crispy white uppies on the first day of summer. You could even plug in your MP3 player/phone and something goes wrong, its the stereo's fault not your battery drained phone.



I came, I saw, I wrote, I met your girl and we came. HIIIIIIYYYYOOOOOOO!!! No, I'm out of here folks, but I do have one confession. When I did that little bootleg equation up top. *We'll wait for you to scroll up real quick if you forgot.......you good? If not, tough break naaagga.* I finished it and I was like, "I hope my boy Marcus the Engineer, doesn't find a way to really answer that shit." SOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Scoob News 10/9

Good evening, I'm Anthony J. Scoobington, with WSCB TV.



According to an Oklahoma City, Oklahoma police document, 23 year old Gregory Arthur Weiler of Elk Grove Village, Ill., has been charged under a strict Oklahoma anti-terrorism law after being found with bomb-making supplies in an Oklahoma motel room. He planned to blow up dozens of churches with Molotov cocktails. Apparently he wasn't aware he couldn't get change from the collection plate nor a refund after not liking the sermon.


Israeli forces and Palestinian militants exchanged fire Monday after Israel targeted TWO men in an AIRSTRIKE into Gaza on Sunday night resulting in the death of ONE of the targeted men. Israel officials said that militant jihadists were responsible for the attacks. Not to be outdone, militants responded by firing about 30 rockets towards Israel's southern border on Monday. They were heard saying, "Say hello to my little friend!!," in a Cuban accent upon firing each rocket.


After spending years of his life sexually abusing boys that were placed into his care and recent years denying it, Jerry Sandusky is likely to spend the rest of his life in jail. A judge sentenced the 68-year-old former Penn State assistant football coach Tuesday to at least 30 years in prison. He had faced a maximum of 400 years for dozens of charges stemming from his sexual abuse of 10 boys over a 15-year period. Sandusky was convicted in June. Judge John Cleland ruled that Sandusky was "dangerous" and will not be eligible for parole for 30 years. His maximum sentence is 60 years.  On a brighter note, he was given credit for the 112 days he has already served, which really means absolutely nothing aside from looking good on paper to his family. The prosecution however, did cut him some slack by providing him with a 30 year supply of KY Jelly for his hard times to come.



From the folks at WSCB have a great evening and stay hydrated

A FEW THINGS...

Let's talk about the Discovery channel for a second. Well, I'll talk you read. Say you saw it on there and people will believe you damn near regardless of the subject. Now you can't just jump in there though. You have to dip your toe in that pool. Got to plant that seed that you watch the Discovery channel and channels of that nature, so when you're ready to bullshit you have your shit right. A good resume will usually get you the job. That is unless your name is something Mah'lazhia Alize Smith. Then some issues might come into play. "Oh, dean's list all four years, graduated Magna Cum Laude, very interesting. We'll be in touch. Send in Kathy Jones. 2.3 GPA. HIRED." Shit!! ADHDNESSNESS got me. I'll own up to it. Anywaaaay, you have to be cool with it though. Letting people know your smart is the thing to do, but you need an edge on it. *TIME-OUT* If you didn't see what I did in that last sentence go look now, we'll wait for you. Lah, dah, dee, dah. Ok, if you didn't see it, maybe you need to step up your tv line up. No ADHDNESSNESS since I called for a "timeout," suckers! Ha! *TIME-IN* Its key that you have to drop the, "Yea I saw it on the Discovery Channel or some shit." "Or some shit," is that point at which it makes you seem down to Earth even if you're a jackass. All of those factors add up to give the pure bullshit seem like there's some possible truth to it. Let's recap: Actually watch the Discovery channel or shit like it. Tell people about what you see on those channels. Add in "or some shit" after you state your facts to make you seem down to Earth. Make some shit up and tell 'em you saw it on the Discovery channel, "or some shit." People will be there sitting talking some, "Oh I heard Discovery Channel does talk about some shit like that. 'Bout to have me watching that motherf*cker too."

Speaking of discovery, discoveries, and discoveringness things, let's talk

about deers & squirrels. Yea, there was a little seguenessness, but anywaaaay, everyday I'm on the highway so I see a lot of construction going on. I see that woods are getting destroyed and I think about how habitats for animals are just lost. Yes, fix your face, I have a heart!! Never thought I'd use the words, "destroyed" and "habitat" in a sentence after high school. Interesting, but I digress. You think the deers complain to the squirrels about how their habitats are being destroyed? I know a little something about deers and their habitats from tv. Saw it on the Discovery channel or some shit. But, let's put it out there, deers look like some whores. You see a deer and you're automatically like, "Aww its f*cking Bambi." That shit could be the size of a buffalo and you're like, "Come on son, you still got the Bambi eyelashes!! Look, you're mad and you're crying. Not attacking, but crying! Don't prance off!! Stay!! Baaatch!! Ha!!" The deer probably go cry to the squirrels asking 'em how they're going to deal with the construction since squirrels live in the trees. Squirrels are probably the smart asses of the animal kingdom. Apathetic to others and all about getting their nuts. See what I just did there? Anywaaaay, the squirrels probably tell 'em some, "Well actually we're cool because we'll just climb up in their roof as soon as the houses are finished. Tough break Bambi!!" Herds of deer mysteriously begin eating squirrels. Friday @8pm on the Discovery Channel.

**RAN|MOD|NESS|SSEN**: They don't say, "motherfucker" that much in rap as they say they do. "They" being the mainstream white socialist conservative tea drinking cocaine snorting media!! That was a stretch, but yea, just saying that rappers don't say it thaaaat often. Anywaaaay, I was headed to work the other day and Pandora was rolling out some good diddies. Nas' "If I ruled the world" came on and the light bulb flicked on. When he says, "open every cell in Attica and send 'em to Africa." You knooooow there's some guy in there on some, "Nigga I have 6 months left on a 18 month sentence. I'm in here for some traffic shit. Fuck that!! My grandmother was Dominican!! Dominicaaaaan!!!"

A FEW THINGS...

Heeeeeeey, have y'all ever noticed that how you're surprised by shit that's still around but you didn't know it was around, because you haven't seen a commercial for it in years. So, I'm the only one? Guess I should quit this subject huh? Well guess what?? I'm not. Y'all better skip down to the second one if this doesn't apply to you. Actually I'm going to dedicate this shit to one topic. Going to be "A THING" tonight!! That's not ADHDNESSNESS by the way people, so I don't want to hear shit. I digress. I recently was told by a female friend of mine that Cocoa Puffs still exist. If I do stroll down the aisle with cereal in it, it's to get Honey Nut Cheerios or some Frosted Shredded Mini-Wheats. I don't even pay attention to the other shit. I have to keep out of that aisle now because I'd probably geek knooooowing that shit will be there. Walk down there talking about some, "Oh shit son!! Cocoa Puffs!!! Cracked out ass bird!! WHERE YOU BEEN NAAAGGA!?!" Then if you're like me at all you start to think what kind of fucked up bird was that anyway?! We knew what all those other cartoon character cereal pushers were. But, the Cocoa Puffs pusher was wild!! Talking about it's the rare African moojootootoo bird! If a white man on the Discovery Channel told you that shit you'll say to yourself, "Well I'm sure he went to college, so he might be on to something."



I could of went for some segueness here, but I would of had to switch my whole idea up. Premise would of been the same, but y'all would of been reading like, "Why did he start like that? I know he's crazy, but damn." Don't disrespect me. Speaking of that, I don't mean any disrespect to anyone **Timeout: I did that shit Zach Morris style, but I know you already know it's going to be jacked up since I said "I don't mean any disrespect...," but you'll see I how it plays out. Time in** that lives on any south sides of cities, but y'all ever notice they usually get the reputation for being the worst area in that particular city?? Like, we have Cherry Hill/Westport(Sorry Buck) in Baltimore, Southside of Chicago, I heard the South Bronx, I know it's a burrough, but it's in NYC so shut up. If it's not the south side it's the eastside. East LA and East St. Louis. I need some people to look into this shit. Get a white person from the Discovery Channel to tell us that its due to the socioecononomic standards from the late 1800's. Sitting there again talking that, "Well I'm sure he went to college, so he might be on to something." Wait y'all! What do white collar white bread suburban white people say when they think they'll be disrespectful? Ahh yes, I got it. "Well James, if I can be frank, those numbers are way off." Soon as James hears, "if I can be frank," he's thinking to himself like,"Oh here comes the malarkey!!," before the rest of the sentence comes out.



**NESSNESSMODNAR**: I was giving Momma Hunter(The name everyone calls my mother) a phone number today and I realized I did something that I think damn near everyone does. Yes, "damn near everyone does," so that means you. Yes, you right there. Y'all reading like, man he better get to the point!! Wait for it, wait for it, ok I noticed that WEEEEEEE AAAAALLLLL give phone numbers the same way. We slowly give the area code, then the first three digits are all spaced out, then those last four get jammed together. Comes out sounding like this and shit. (FOUR ONE ZERO) FIVE------FIVE--------FIVE - THIRTYSIXNINTEEN. But, why do we always go slow around the first 3. Area codes said normal, then we go at a snail's pace for those next three, aaaaand we say the most important part fast as shit. Having people stressing sitting there like, "WAIT!! THE LAST FOUR DIGITS, FOUR DIGITS!! SLOW DOWN!!! You said (410) 555-3619 right?" What do we do then? " Man I saaaaaaiiidd (FOOOOUUUR OOOONE ZEROOOOO) FIIIIIVE---FIIIIIIVE-----

FIIIIIIVE - THIRTYSIXNINTEEN!!!