Thursday, September 28, 2017

Scoob News

Good evening, I'm Anthony J. Scoobington, with WSCB TV.

Playboy founder and legendary ladies man Hugh Hefner has passed away at the age of 91. The magazine said he was surrounded by loved ones and “peacefully passed away...from natural causes at his home." An orgy will be held immediately following the funeral.

At a press briefing yesterday afternoon, U.S. President Donald Trump attempted to explain why Sudan was not included in the latest version of his travel ban, which restricts entry to America for nationals of eight countries. A White House rep who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us here at WSCB that Trump said, "Sudan reminded him of the word 'SEDAN,' and if people buy cars made in America it would help make his campaign slogan about making America great again seem somewhat true."

Less than 48 hours removed from Republicans admitting defeat on their last, best chance to repeal & replace the Affordable Care Act, the President spent much of yesterday arguing that the votes are there to pass the legislation. He was quoted saying "We have the votes for health care." A source who also spoke on the condition of anonymity told us here at WSCB that Trump was overheard saying to an aide, "I technically didn't have enough votes to win the Presidential election and you see how that went!!"

From the folks at WSCB have a great evening and stay hydrated.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

A Few Things

Saw someone mention "bro rompers" on a status, and there were several comments about it. Theeeeeen I saw another status talking about "bro rompers" as well. My lack of being around the "in crowd" made me take to the innawebs to get googly with it. Yes, I said "innawebs" & "get googly with it." Don't act like you didn't jokingly dance, didn't head nod or didn't actually dance when Will Smith's "Getting Jiggy Wit it" came on. Shit, I was humming the melody to the song whilst I typed "get googly with it." Sadly I said, "Na na na na na na na" aloud when I got to the end of the sentence. I know, I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry actually. Hmph. ADHDNESSNESS has come & gone, maybe. Anywaaaaaay, like I was saying before y'all bombarded me with requests for Will Smith songs like I'm a dj, I got googly with it and saw a picture of the aforementioned "bro rompers." Whaaaaat type of so called "man" would wear something like that? Like, maybe as part of a Halloween costume, but it's one thing to think you're stylish & another to not know, you look like a jackass.

Speaking of jackass, sike naw. Just wanted to look like I had some segueness going on. Alas, I did not, but kind of makes you all look like jackasses for anticipating that there might be. Ooooh it might be. Anyway, I was just going to confess that in the last topic, if that's what you want to call it, I had a little trouble spelling a word. No, you don't need to know the word either. Buuut, it made me want to confess something else. *DRUM ROLL* Whenever I struggle spelling a word, and my phone gives me some options that give me the "Long Division in your Head Look," while I go get googly with it (Na na na na na na) and the results come back as "NIGGA WHAT WORD WERE YOUUUUU TRYING TO SPELL?," I will reconstruct my whole sentence. It'll go from thesis paper to 3rd grade book report with the quicknessness.

RAN-DOM--NESS---NESS: I used quotation marks 10 times up above. So technically that's forty apostrophes, right? (10 x 2) x 2, right? I'm not Marcus Davis so I wouldn't know. Anyway, so you think the quotation marks try to shit on the apostrophes? Like, "--You know whenever they use me, it has to be twice! You only are good for contractions. Here let me show ain't shit! --Well it takes TWO of me to make ONE of you! So you AIN'T shit without me, biiiiiitch!"

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Scoob News

Good evening, I'm Anthony J. Scoobington, with WSCB TV.

Thieves broke into the Bode Museum in Berlin before dawn Monday and escaped with a 221lb gold coin worth millions. They apparently entered through a window, broke into a cabinet where the "Big Maple Leaf" coin was kept. The coin, is in the Guinness Book of Records for its purity of gold, would be worth almost $4.5 million at market prices because of its weight. Four testicles were found on the scene, so police are staking out area hospitals believing the thieves lost them whilst picking up the heavy object.

Michigan and the city of Flint have agreed to replace at least 18,000 lead or galvanized-steel home water lines by 2020 a sweeping deal to settle a lawsuit over lead-contaminated water in the city. A court filing Monday says the state will pay $87 million with state & federal money. The settlement is pending approval from a federal judge in Detroit today. A source who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us here at WSCB they heard a court official saying, "I know niggers bathe a lot, but they probably just want the clean water to make Kool Aid."

An avalanche killed 7 high school students & their instructor during field trip in Japan. The students were taking part in a mountain climbing lesson when the avalanche occurred, along with students from seven other schools. The region has received heavy snow over the past two days and avalanche warnings remain in effect. From our Asian affiliate WSUK, correspondent Jane Sukpipe, "People are trying to find out the true identity of the 7 students because they are believed to have not submitted permission slips, as well as getting on the bus thinking they were going to roast marshmallows teriyaki style & learn to ski with Samurai swords."

From the folks at WSCB have a great evening and stay hydrated.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Scoob News

Good evening, I'm Anthony J. Scoobington, with WSCB TV.

Former TV psychic Miss Cleo, whose real name was Youree Harris, died earlier this morning in Palm Beach County, FL after previously being diagnosed with colon cancer that spread to her liver and lungs, her representative told reporters today. A nurse at a hospital which Miss Cleo had frequented, who spoke to WSCB on condition of anonymity said she had predicted that the end was near. Miss Cleo mentioned her own death would come possibly on a Wednesday evening in August of 2017. 

A woman was mauled to death by a Siberian tiger and her female companion was injured while on a safari-style tour in China, Monday afternoon. The park allows visitors to drive their vehicles through a tiger enclosure. The woman who was killed by a second tiger, was actually going to help her friend who had been grabbed by a tiger after she got out of her vehicle. Several signs at the park read: "Cherish your life. Never get out of your car." The park is considering adding more signs, and another line that reads, "If your friend gets attacked, keep your dumb ass in the car."

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, the CEO of eHarmony, is stepping down. The 81 year old psychologist who gives advice in eHarmony commercials is no longer chief executive officer, the company said on Tuesday. But Warren, who co-founded eHarmony in Los Angeles in 2000, will continue to serve the company as chairman. A source who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us here at WSCB that employees found out Dr. Warren, who is married, had made a page on looking for side chicks.

From the folks at WSCB have a great evening and stay hydrated.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Scoob News

Good evening, I'm Anthony J. Scoobington, with WSCB TV.

 George Zimmerman, who gained notoriety when he fatally shot teenager Trayvon Martin two years ago, wants to pursue a legal career after his ordeal with the murder charges. He said he wants to become a lawyer to "stop the miscarriage of justice." His slogan will be, "I got off, so I can get you off!! Call me at 1-(800) I-DID-IT2!"

The Ethiopian co-pilot who locked the pilot out of the cockpit during the Ethiopian Airlines flight from Addis Ababa-to-Rome flight has been identified as 31 year old Hailemedhin Abera. He worked for the airline for 5yrs. He threatened to crash the plane if the pilot did not stop trying to get back into the cockpit. Abera, diverted the flight to Switzerland, landed, climbed out of the cockpit window and surrendered to police. While in custody he told Geneva police that he felt threatened at home and was seeking asylum. Upon hearing of his bold attempt, an anonymous source told us here at WSCB that "Abera loved weed, but he couldn't get to Colorado and he heard Switzerland had some 'good shit.'"

Reporting live from our Asian affiliate, WYAO, Ling Fuk Yu: Thousands of police officers have conducted raids in over 16 Chinese cities in the past week, detaining more than 1,000 suspects in the latest attempt to curb the country's illegal but booming sex industry. Prostitution is available every in China from side street barbershops to high end hotels. They say the biggest reason that prostitution remains a large problem in China is that police in cities take bribes to overlook the crime. A source who spoke on the condition on anonymity told us, "I look the other way all the time. They want to give $5 sucky sucky, then she pay have to pay me $10 to look other way."

From the folks at WSCB have a great evening and stay hydrated.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

A Few Things...

Y'all remember having to have to clean your room. Read my last sentence out loud please. Sound weird to you? When I was typing it, I had the "long division in my head look" going on. A little ADHDNESSNESS, but I digress. What was I talking about before y'all interrupted me about some damn possible grammar issues?? Oh, yea, cleaning your room. Hopefully, no female really had that issue. Messy room young ladies turn into the ones who take nude pics with shit laying all over the floor and bed. You're looking at the pic like, "Damn she's phat!! Man!! She has some big titties, she has a rack of ass, and she's....she's..she's got a got damn maxi pad wrapper, 6 sponge rollers and some candy wrappers on the floor. Is that a chicken box on her bed?! Maaaaan." **Cut to y'all 2 weeks later boning in the car, after you declined her invite to come inside.**  See what I just did there? Hehheheehhe into the HIIIIIIIYYYYOOOOO!!! Oh shit, ok that was A LOT of ADHDNESSNESS, but its not my fault. Anywaaaay, when I had to clean my shit, I was straight until my mother looked under the bed. I did the closet shit at first until she opened it and out came the shit I piled up in there. Thought I was slick with the under the bed move though. Mother's intuition or something caught me up. "This little negro started at 10am. Its 10:36am. There's no way."  Worst part was, she checked the closet and saw nothing. I'm thinking to myself, "Ha!! Fooled her!! I'll be out riding my bike around the neighborhood in no ti---why is she walking to my bed?? I made my bed, b-b-b-b-but why is she lifting up the sheets & blank--DAAAAMMN!!!" She would pull everything out too. Transformers & G.I. Joes all over the floor. Looking back on it, of all the times I made my bed, never did my blankets & shit drape over my bed and touch the floor. Thought I was on to something.

Tis no segue because my ADHDNESSNESS is running on F right now. I went with "F" due to gas prices dropping and me being able to get my tank up to the "F." My car wouldn't start for a second. It thought something was up and shit. "Oh, I know what this is!! You're filling me because you're about to trade me in!! I see how you look at those other cars when I'm taking you to work. I wasn't going to say anything, but I feel like this has gone on too long!!" I'm looking around so I don't look too crazy when I sit there and plead. "Baby!! I'm just able to fill you up because prices dropped. That's all it is!!" I struck the "please start pose" right before I turned the key. You know the one when you put your hand on the steering wheel at 12 o'clock, you lean in to the wheel, close your left eye real tight and tilt your head to the right. Soon as your car starts, you open up that left eye, scan your surroundings, look into & touch your rear view mirror w/o moving it and rooooooll ouuuuut!!!!

***SSENSSENMODNAR***: I was ready to actually segue into some shit, but I decided against it.  Didn't want the shit to have four little topics. Might not like the long ones. Wait, do I have to say "No h-o-m-o" there? I spelled it out because you know who might pick up on it. Don't want him to come for me because I mentioned long ones. Wait, do I need a "no h-o-m-o" agai----**THUNDER ROLL**..€€€¥¥¥££££..**LIGHTNING CRASHES** It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Wayman Archibald IV!! "Heeeeey there boy!!" AAAAAHHHHH!! HE CAN SPELL!!!!!!

Monday, May 20, 2013


I don't know karate, but I know karazy. I'm guessing that's how you'd spell it since I mixed the word "karate" and the word "crazy" together. Anyway, before I go off on a tangent about spellingness and shit I'll stop it. ADHDNESSNESS you've seen the last of me!!!!!! Its true since Leon Eisenberg, said its a "fictitious disease." Daaaaaaaaah. I put the word "anyway" to begin this sentence but I had to delete it because I didn't want to start two sentences off the same way that were so close together.  Oh well, but yea about that "karazy" thing. I get called "crazy" all the time but I think that's just people's way to help deal with their lack of understanding. "He's unlike anyone I've ever met!! He's crazy!!" **SIDE NOTE**: When I typed out "He's unlike anyone I've ever met!!," I said it in my head like a super hero voice or some shit. Some fucked up doctor in a lab trying to explain some test subject.

As far as a doctor & test subject goes, I've been told that I need to go sit on a doctor's couch and tell them my problems. Thing is, I don't have any problems. Ok, wait my bad, let me rephrase that last one. I don't think that I have any problems. I'm sure Freud, Jung & Associates might all look at each other and collectively say, "Geeeeet the fuck out of here!!" I know you all like that law firm looking name. I digress. I just don't think I could sit there and be serious for that hour long session telling someone my thoughts. If they're charging $150+ an hour I'm going to get my damn monies worth. I'll tell them how I didn't get to ride the pony at the fair when I was seven years old and now I'm into horse porn. I go to the zoo to talk to the elephants because they understand me the most. Might push that doctor to early retirement or a new profession. I'd sale cars or some shit. Psychoanalysisnessness on potential car buyers during the process. "Well, you don't want to look at these anyway, so let's just go on over to the coupes." **Ohhhh, they just blinked 4 times in a row, while sucking their teeth and sweating from their nose. I'm going to get the sale!!!** Getting all types of salesperson of the year awards and shit. Anyway, I say all that to say this, one potato, two potato, three potato, four.

Started a new paragraph just because. Why you ask? You don't care, but its not getting graded so yea, I did say all of that because I am not crazy. "My mommy said I'm special!!" Daaaaaaaaah.

**ninja vanish**