10/16

*I would like to take a quick time out and dedicate this to a friend of mine who needs some humor right now in her life. So, let's have some fun!!*


Sorry for not writing one of these in a week or so, my zipper was stuck.

1) You remember in high school, how there were people you were pretty cool with, but didn't really hang with them like that. They were in the slow classes. You know, the ones where there are like 8 people in there. When you walk by the class they're always watching some type of video, or they're reading a Dr. Seuss book aloud. Outside of school, they were gifted athletes, but never had the grades to play for the school. Sold drugs, or always getting into some shit. After graduation, your graduation that is, you don't really see them anymore. The reason you don't see them anymore is because, A) they dropped out -OR- B) they got transferred to a school for the "troubled" kids. So, some years go by, blackplanet, myspace, then BAM, facebook comes about. All of a sudden your getting requests from people from back in the day. First thing I usually think is, "OH SHIT!! That motherfucker is still alive?!?!" The shit usually gets deeper after you realize they're alive. You sitting there thinking like, "that motherfucker can read?!! Aaaaaannndddd, they know how to use a computer?!?" You get a little excited like, "Aw man, they've changed their lives around. Got their shit together after all these years!!" Then it happens. You see INBOX(1) and you go open it, and see the newly added friend has dropped a message. They ask what's been going on, and you reply by telling your story and asking about them. That's the cordial thing to do, buuuuuuuut, when you see that INBOX(1) and they ask what's been good AND if you got a number they can hit you at. THEN, there's no reply. Fuck being cordial. Daaaaaah.



2) Hey yo, I know this is mad random, but when aren't I random? Daaaah. Anyway, you ever notice how if you see someone fuck up doing something. Like toss a piece of balled up piece of paper at a trash can like a foot away and miss. What's the first thing they do, before they pick it up? They look around. That's how you know when you fuck up. You just look around the room to see who might of noticed it. It look perfectly normal to you when they do something, but soon as they peek up, you're like, "OOOOOHHHHH!!! They fucked up!! They didn't want to do that shit!! Daaaaah!" That's when you just turn up one side of your mouth and shake your head. They start thinking *Damn it!! I knew I should of just waited until I was alone!!* Little do they know you have noooo clue what the fuck up was. So, if you do something that's basic to you, and you don't do it how you intended to do it. Just fix it, without looking up and around, then go about your business.


3) I was at work the other day on lunch break, and I heard one of theeeee dumbest statements people make that gets under my skin. "They didn't put enough lettuce on this!!" Normally, that's not a statement to get someone riled up, but the person had gone to Subway!! If you've never been to Subway before in your life, YOU verbally make the the sandwich. YOU say,"Can I have a lot of lettuce?" BAM it happens. A smorgasbord of delectable little goodies to put on your sandwich. You're in control of your sandwich destiny!! "Subway, makes the best sandwiches!!" Shut up!! They do not!! You do. Ok, they bake their own bread. Anyway, just eat your sandwich and shut up. If you have any reason to complain its the lack of tuna you get on your sandwich. If your shit isn't looking right, tell the "SANDWICH ARTIST" that,"you aren't serious about your craft. So can you put some more southwest sauce on that please??" If you are feeling frisky, tell them that the title "'SANDWICH ARTIST' should inspire them to be the best!! Make my shit look so good, that I want to take a picture of it, before I eat that shit." Juuuuuust saying.


Now, I think I'll go make a sandwich and bitch about the lack of mayo that I put on my sandwich.

10/5

The Reverend Scoobicus J. Bang will be presiding over the congregation, this eveeeening. Well will start the service off with the humor offering. Give to my plate, and I'll give to yours....and everythaaaang this evening. HA-LAY-LOO-JAAAAAAH...


1) Y'all remember those episodes of Geraldo when he would have those "Is it a He or She" episodes? We used to go on lunch around that time and just die laughing. I could usually spot 'em, buuuut the one's you weren't too sure about, you obeyed that golden rule: "If in doubt keep your mouth shut." Sad thing is, that there was always that one guy who didn't know of that rule, and would just be sitting there running his mouth. "Daaaaaaamn shorty is bad!!"-Turns out to be a guy, talking some, "Hi, I'm James, professional cross dresser." -OR- "That nigga is crazy! He doesn't look nowhere as good as them other dudes do in their make up!! I ain't no faggie or nothing, but, you know what I mean, right?" -Ends up being a woman who gets that all the time. After that day you look at yo a little differently. He walks into the bathroom while you're pissing, and you try to hurry up. Forcing ya piss out. "Hey man, you trying to go grab some drinks after work?" -"Aww naw man I'm good. I got a little chippy coming over tonight. Thanks though" Knowing daaaaaaamn well, you and the co-workers that you don't doubt are already headed out. "If in doubt, keep ya mouth shut."



2) Anybody not bang with spiders? Granted they help keep the insect population in the world down, but there's something I can't get with. Like, why do they have to have 8 legs? 2 more than normal insects, and like 2 more eyes. Really?! I'm just not a fan. Also, not a fan of those new stink bugs. Those bitches are everywhere. They're from Asia, so I know they got off a supply boat at some port. Talking about,"Oh shiiiiiit!! I think we out number the people here. No more 1 billion people to compete with, and we can at least get on Google over here. Damn Communists!!" Them shits fly too, poorly. See them running into shit. I saw one of them things get stuck in a spider's web, and the spider asked the bug, "What set you claim?!?" The stink bug said, "Chinese Mafia", real calm and cool, and the spider let him go. True story!! I saw it with my own two eyes!!! Haters!!



3) True story. Anyone ever asked you a question out of the ordinary, but it had a simple answer, and you treated it like it was complicated ass question?? Shit happened to me Saturday, when my sister Gia and I were at Macy's in Towson. I was getting a wedding present off the registry, and when I got to the counter shorty was asking if I wanted my name to be on the gift receipt. So, I gave her my name........then it happened!!! *DUN DUN DUUUUN* After I gave her my last name, she said,"One or two T's?" That fuuuuucked me all up. I looked at Gia with the "Is she serious?!?" face. Gia looked back at me with the "She can't be serious!!" face. The cashier had me hurt though. I become dumb for a second. I actually spelled my last name out in my head. I'm in front of the register like, "Huh? Oh um"<----that bought me just enough time to spell out, "H-U-N-T-E-R" in my head. Almost pulled my license out to double check my shit. Don't let people bring you down to their level of dumbnessness with their trickery!!!


We shall have the peace, fios, and musical offerings before getting out of here y'all. AAAANNNND EVERYTHAAAANG THIS EVENIIIING!!!